This past weekend was hard for me, and I've only today allowed myself to cry about it.
I've been venting a little on tumblr, where I'm generally left alone and not noticed unless I make an effort to be, but someone who I haven't been in touch with in a while reached out to me and left me a comforting message. It proved to me that a) it's been so rough for me that people are noticing and b) people care, even when it's been a while, even if they don't show it all the time. But it also showed me that I react to caring in a negative way.
This has a lot to do with that pride thing I was talking about. It's funny, though. It's Pride month, and I'm half a closet case bi person who is way too proud to accept praise, criticism, help, comfort, or anything of the sort. It's not that I think I'm right or alright. But the second she messaged me it was like I had allowed someone to see something in me that I didn't want exposed.
Which is totally unfair, considering I'm broadcasting my life on the internet in so many different ways.
I vacillate between wanting to go through life completely unnoticed and wanting to be extraordinary. I want people to expect absolutely nothing of me and I want to beat their expectations and prove I'm worth something. I crave attention like it's air and I despise when people pay attention to me.
Basically, I want to control everything I do and everything people see of me.
I've been in hiding in so many different ways for so long that I don't know how not to be. I put videos on my channel but I don't share them to facebook because I'm okay with everyone seeing it but my close friends and family. I talk about being/wanting to be a writer but I don't share a single word of my writing to my close family.
It feels like they're going to use it against me, and I don't want any part of me to become their ammunition. I want to own 100% of myself at all times. I want to own every single perception of me that other people have. It's their perception, not my own. I have to learn, I guess, to let go of the fact that people are going to see me in lights I disagree with. I have to learn to be okay with that, and I have to learn when those perceptions are meant to be malicious and when they are not.
It's unfair for me to expect people to see me as myself when I don't project my whole self at everyone at all times. I'm not sure I'm ready to, at all. I've always compartamentalized my identities and my personalities. I can't expect people to read my mind, to know that I'm actually okay when I'm venting on tumblr, to know that I'm angry when I show zero signs of it, to know when I care and when I don't when I don't tell anyone about it.
I'm not sure I'm ready to tell even the people who matter about it. I'm terrified they're going to attack me for it. For being me.
I've always been oversensitive, and I've always been made fun of for it. I learned how to respond with sarcasm instead of emotion, but lately it's not working. So I just cry or shut down instead. Usually a combination of both.
In a fight or flight situation, I'm flight. Always. But I wnant to change that.
Like I said, this past weekend and this past week was hard for me. It had ups and downs, like every week, but I think I'm realizing why I don't open up to people.
But I think I'll respond to that message in the morning. It was kind, well-meaning, and I should assure her that her perception of what's going on is not accurate, that I'm far more okay than she thinks.